Tired of Kendall Scudder's 'Bull'

I opened up an e-mail from my college newspaper, The Houstonian, this morning and found this headline staring at me: "Tired of Republican 'Bull.'" Interesting, I thought, so I read on. I figured it was going to be someone railing against the Republicans for not keeping campaign promises or for not being Tea Party enough. But what I found was even better. What I found was the most inaccurate, misinformed, misleading, head-in-the-sand piece I've read in a long time. Normally I wouldn't rip too hard into a college student, but since the piece was written by some kid named Kendall Scudder, the president of the Bearkat Democrats (the Democrat student organization at Sam Houston State) I feel like there should be a bit of a higher standard in terms of being informed and for communication of, you know, actual things that are true. Besides, it's been a while since I made a college kid cry using only my words.

So, I'm going to pick this piece of asshattery apart one paragraph at a time. Because I want to, that's why.

I don't know about you, but I'm tired. I'm tired of the spending. I'm tired of big government. I'm tired of the political elitism. I'm tired of the Republicans. (Double take? You heard me right.)

From the very beginning, this guy is begging us not to listen to a damn thing he says. He starts off by using examples of things that he's tired of that leads the reader to think he's writing about Democrats. Why? Because the examples he cites - spending, big government and elitism - are all prime examples of Democrat behavior traits. Oh, but wait. He tries to turn the tables and make us think he's talking instead about Republicans. But by now the damage is already done, foo. We've all now got a negative connotation in our minds about the things that are typically Democrat in nature. To grossly paraphrase a saying I've never actually heard, "you can't unsee the naked hairy fat man eating a burrito in the corner."

A citizen on the sidelines, sitting at home watching and keeping up with the news the best he can between jobs, has talking points and misinformation spewed at him every day from the Republican powers that be. "The Democrats want to spend their way out of our deficit!" he'll hear them say. They'll tell him "the Democrats want to take away [his] individual freedoms." It's almost as if they don't realize that we can see through all of their bull. My momma always told me that whenever I point a finger, there's always three pointing right back at me, and it's no different in this case.

You're momma should've also told you not to lie or you'll get your mouth washed out with soap, boy! This imaginary hypothetical citizen (who's, naturally, working multiple jobs just to make ends meet) obviously lives in the real imaginary world that all imaginary hypothetical strawmen live in, so he already knows that if he owes $5,000 to a credit card company, spending even more on that same credit card (no matter how many points or cashback dollars he gets) isn't going to help him pay off his debts. You probably don't know that yet, Sport, because you haven't had to live out in the real world yet. but believe an old codger like me: once Momma and Daddykins stop paying for your sorry assuming ass to go to college and actually graduate, you'll learn some things about real world personal finances. It's a fact that the Democrats have tried to spend their way out of the recession. It was more than 20 minutes ago (and it didn't involve a Lady GaGa song), so I'll refresh your memory. Back in March of 2009 - right after The Savior took office and right in the middle of when the Democrats controlled both the House and the Senate and could pass damn near anything their little bleeding hearts desired - the figures started coming out on all the spending they were doing. Our very own Texas Senator had this to say:

"Since President Obama took office 56 days ago, Congress has already spent more money than the previous Administration spent on the Wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and the response to Hurricane Katrina – combined."

That's not spin. That's not posturing, and it's not politics. It's a fact.

As for Democrats not wanting to encroach on our individual freedoms, just show me, please, when they haven't insisted on encroaching on our liberties. Whether it's bans on smoking in public (and private) places or trans fats or removing our freedom of choice about things such as the light bulbs we use or the cars we drive or the insurance we choose or the soft drinks we drink or where we go to get a student loan or even the size toilet we can have, it just never seems to end. Encroachment on personal freedoms is nothing more than removing choice, and time after time, that what Democrats are all about. They want you to do things their way or no way, and they're not above legislating their will into existence, consequences be damned. If their way was really better, people would flock to it naturally. People love things that are easier and better. it's why we drive cars today instead of horses. It's why we live in houses and not in caves. It's why the tape replaced the record and the CD replaced the tape and why downloads are replacing the CD. Having some government agency shove it down our collective throats does not "personal liberty" make.

Texas, a state that has had no statewide elected Democrats for over a decade, is now facing a $27 billion (that's nine zeros) budget shortfall, and there's just no way to spin it; it is because of the irresponsible, liberal spenders: the Republicans.

This Yahoo is the president of the Bearkat Democrats and really thinks that there are absolutely no statewide elected Democrats - for over a decade, no less. Wow. I weep for the future of our nation and for the state of our education system. I also weep for the fact that this ignorant twit can't even be bothered to do a simple Google search (or check the Texas Democrat party website) before publishing and article in the newspaper. It just so happens that I was in Austin last week in both the House and the Senate chambers. You guessed it. Thar be Democrats thar!!!! Ayyyye!!

As for the budget shortfall, I'm not going to try to explain it. But I am going to give you a little extracurricular reading to do (you can read, can't you?) Check out this great piece that explains very well how the Texas budget is set up and why there are shortfalls. I'll give you a hint: it's not because of "liberal spending." Go ahead and read it. I'll wait.

Feel stupid now? You should.

But it wouldn't be the first time we've seen irresponsible, liberal republican spending. The whole nation sat and watched as the national Republicans turned a budget surplus, which was created by President Bill Clinton and other Democrats, into the largest budget deficit in American history. In fact, this country hasn't seen a balanced budget put forth by a Republican president since Dwight D. Eisenhower. Quite to the opposite of the tone we hear in scary Republican commercials, the Democrats have always managed to one up the Republicans in a record of fiscal conservatism, only faltering on that when having to clean up Republican messes.

Oh my... wait. Did my head just explode? Can someone please look and tell me if I'm bleeding from my ears? Did I just read that right? The Democrats are the real fiscal conservatives? Now granted, the Republicans lost their way and began spending like drunk sailors in the early part of last decade. And you know what? They lost the House and the Senate for it. And I'll be the first to say that they needed to go. But if the Democrats were really the tightwad spendthrifts that Captian Bullcrap here wants us to believe, then as soon as the Democrats took control (with super-majorities, no less) of the House and Senate in 2006, then they should have turned around the spending and actually reduced it, right? Wait. So that didn't happen? Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Why, then, did it seem in 2009 like the Republicans were trying to filibuster a huge pork-laden spending bill. In fact, I remember finding this at the time at Philly.com (the article has since been removed from their servers):

The Democratic-controlled Senate yesterday cleared away a Republican filibuster of a huge end-of-year spending bill that rewards most federal agencies with generous budget boosts.

Nay, sir, the Democrats in Congress and the White House spending like drunken sailor on crystal meth in a New Orleans whorehouse with Charlie Sheen is the very thing that gave birth to the Tea Party movement in the first place. It's the reason that the public almost went medieval on elected Democrats in the summer of 2009 at their Town Hall Meetings, and its the reason why they just got their arses handed to them in the last election. Talk about your short-term revisionist memories. Sheesh...

The Conservative hostility shouldn't just stop at the excessive Republican spending. Every day, Republicans suggest that the size of government shrink in the same breath that they argue for the government to reach into your personal life.

Whether they're snooping in your bedroom, fighting to keep you plugged in at the hospital, tapping your phone, groping you at an airport, or searching your couch cushions for pot, the Republicans try to control everything in your life that they don't agree with.

Oh, geez. First, no one is snooping in anyone's bedroom. Sure, we value human life. Is that so wrong? It's better than the alternative, isn't it, where in some post-apocolyptic wild-west world any nameless bureaucrat a half-a-country away could just look on a computer screen and determine that you've lived long enough and make a phone call to pull the plug on you. Hold on- that's not so far-fetched under Obamacare...

The TSA is under the control of the Obama administration and Janet Napolitano (not Republicans). The President could have reigned in the grope-fest at any time, but didn't. You know that Obama is a Democrat, right? I'm only half-joking here, but I still feel like I have to ask. You really don't seem to know, kid.

Oh, yeah. And pot is still illegal. Some day it might not be. But it is now. So just quit whining about "Republicans" searching for your stash. And besides - the couch cushions, dude? People fart there, you sicko.

I'm just a southern, conservative Democrat trying to get all of my ducks in a row, but it's hard to do that when every day, all I get is mixed messaging from a party that spews one talking point, but does something completely different.

You may be a Democrat, Mr. Scudder, but I assure you that you are no Conservative. You make no sense at all and you're grossly misinformed.

When push comes to shove and it all comes down to the wire, the fact of the matter is that the Republican Party has failed when it comes to balancing a statewide or national budget and they don't give a rip about your individual freedoms.

Two cliches in one sentence, and neither of them appropriate. You may as well have been making "air quotations" as well. When in Rome.

Good luck with your degree, by the way. I have no idea what you're studying, but I trust that it has nothing to do with Political Science, Government, Economics, Journalism or even Google Usage. You may, however, be a prime candidate for a degree in Revisionism, Making Shit Up and Pulling Things Out of Your Ass.