Dear REI, I Hate You.

Dear REI,

I was in your Willowbrook store last night with some buddies of mine and bought a tent, a hiking ground pad and a bunch of other stuff for my upcoming backpacking trip to Big Bend. I got pretty much exactly what I came for (and more). Damn you, REI! You've got such great stuff! Your shiny, beautiful camping gear makes the stuff I already have look like I got it at a garage sale in the projects. In Detroit. You have tents that are actually easy to put up and are freaking beautiful once they are. And I don't know how you did it, but you even managed to create something as mundane as a CAMP STOOL that I was lusting after. Sorry about licking the floor model, btw.

I hate you, REI.

Your employees were so helpful and friendly. Not only did your guy actually show me how to set up the tent I was looking at, but he later helped me pick just the right ground pad and bag liner, and cheerfully at that. Damn you, REI!

Even though I've been a member for years, they still told me about a way I could save 15% on my tent that didn't involve anything but signing up to receive e-mails from you. Try that at Target! Oh, no. THEY want you to open a Target credit account. But you.... you just want to be my special e-mail friend. Damn you, REI!

How is it that you can get me excited about SOCKS???? Do you pump a special scent into the store, or what? No? Well why, then, do I almost swoon every time I walk in? Huh? Explain THAT one!!!

I'm an Apple guy. I only have room for one brand in my life that I'm wildly, madly passionate about. I can't afford to have another love in my life. No, seriously. I don't make that much money. I've already committed to tithing to Apple. Quit trying to make me fall in love with all your great camping gadgets and cool gear. And quit trying to pretend that your employees actually enjoy working there. Come on. We all see through THAT ruse.

I hate you, REI, for making me want to spend my entire paycheck - every paycheck - in your store on things that would only make me get out in the world and be a better, more rounded person.

Well I'm not falling for it. I'm DONE with you! I refused to even step foot in your bicycle section! HA! Take THAT!!! And if you think I'm coming back any time soon, well you're just crazy!!! Quit begging - I won't be back for a loooooooong time. Or at least a week, when the camp stool that I ordered comes in. But not before! And I'm certainly not going to bring a wad of cash next time so I can buy one of those absolutely beautiful trail kits I spend a quality 12 minutes on the floor of your store with last night.

I hate you, REI. I didn't get up at 4:15 this morning because I was so excited about my new gear that I couldn't sleep. Okay, so maybe I did.

I hate you. I hope you rot in hell.

P.S. - Does that store scent come in a bottle?