Open Letter to Senator Chuck Schumer

Senator Schumer,

Following your Open Letter to Apple regarding the iPhone 4 reception issue, I have only one thing to say in reply.

Bravo.

I applaud you, sir (if I may call you that), for being a headline-grabbing media whore and firing off a knee-jerk reaction to an issue that isn't even apparently a widespread issue at all. I further laud you for requesting that Apple do something that it's already been doing with every iPhone sold in the past three years- offering free software updates to add new features and fix issues. Way to make it look as if the inevitable OS 4.0.1 software patch was your idea. That was a stroke of genius!

I thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to worry about something that really doesn't affect Congress at all. It sure was pretty damn nice of you to take it upon yourself to use your office and position to shed some additional light on this matter - oh, wait.... there's nothing actually new in your letter, is there? - and to try to push your weight around to once again force a private corporation to do what the government says is best.

And thanks for looking out for the millions of us who have bought the iPhone 4 under false pretenses. It's quite obvious that we're all deeply distraught at having purchased such a broken, crappy product that promised one thing and ended up delivering something completely different than what we were promised. Kinda like TARP, bailouts and Obamacare, I guess. But then, I'm sure you're working really hard on an open letter to the president and Congress at this very moment. Most important matters first, of course.

And finally, we all appreciate you jumping the gun on this by a day and assuming that Apple isn't going to do the right thing and address the issue in its press conference tomorrow. I mean, if Steve Jobs takes the stage tomorrow and just stands there and gives everyone the ol' middle finger and says "tough luck, suckers," then you might have a case. But be a pal, will you, and wait until the press conference tomorrow like everyone else and, you know, actually see what the man has to say before firing off a half-cocked open letter.

I hope that all this hand-wringing over the iPhone 4 hasn't taken too much time out of your oversight of the affairs of the country, such as defending our sovereignty and our borders. If it has, just take that time out of the time needed to read the next bill that crosses your desk for a vote. What's that? You don't actually read them, anyway? Oh, I see. Well, just tack that time onto your next recess then. I know you take those. Frequently.

Thanks again for all your hard work and service to humanity in tackling this issue. I'm sure none of use would be alive today without you.

Sincerely,

Destructo