Dude Etiquette, A Primer, Part 1: How to Approach and Recognize A Fellow Dude

There are several things that one must do when he is a Dude. Part one of a series:

How to Approach and Recognize A Fellow Dude

When approaching a fellow Dude in the hallway, there are certain protocols which must be maintained in most instances:
1. Hugs are not appropriate unless:
- the fellow Dude has been away for quite some time as a prisoner of war
- the fellow Dude is a relative, preferable your dad or granddad
- the fellow Dude has just been kicked in the nuts
- the fellow Dude has beer
- it will impress The Ladies
- both Dudes are a part of some kind of dinner theater show for other Dudes (note: BOTH Dudes must know that they in a dinner theater show)
- as a part of a bet or dare
- you just ended a fist-fight
- the fellow dude is choking on a rib or some other kind of grilled meat
- it the first act of throwing the fellow Dude to the ground because he is either being shot at or is on fire

2. When approaching the fellow Dude, eye contact is not necessary. A simple nod will do.

3. Shaking of hands is appropriate, especially if:
- money from a wager is being discreetly exchanged
- portable electronic devices are being exchanged
- beer is being exchanged
- the intent is to become blood brothers in an Apache Indian ceremony involving land and/or wampum
- to congratulate the fellow Dude on a monster fish
- a bet or dare is involved, especially involving the hanging things off the back of moving vehicles

4. The correct procedure for recognizing a fellow Dude is to acknowledge their Dude-ness in some verbal way, such as "'sup, Dude?" The following are never acceptable:
- "hidey-ho, good buddy!"
- "guess what I saw at the opera last night..."
- "your zipper is down. Let me get it for you..."
- "when I peeked over the urinal wall this morning..."
- "I heard you were the father..."
- "those shoes are fan-TAS-ic!"

5. Dudes never approach fellow Dudes when they are bent over in any way.

6. Complimenting a Dude on his beard, scruff or other facial hair is always acceptable, with the following exceptions:
- no stroking of the fellow Dude's beard
- the complimenting of a fellow Dude of his handleebar moustache is unacceptable
- it is bad form to point out huge holes in the fellow Dude's scruff (always assume that it was burned away in a grill accident)
- you have previously complimented the fellow Dude on his facial hair in the same week
- the will be absolutely no compliments allowed of unibrows

When followed correctly, these guidelines for say hello to a fellow Dude can be both fun and rewarding experience.